Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If you quit for a day, month, year--however long--and pick drinking back up, the disease will begin where it left off. That is part of true alcoholism. I did this and more. I went crazy. From a once a month trip to the bar, I started going 3 and 4 times a week. I dated someone who worked there: that was how I justified it. I was pretty happy, I thought, doing my own thing, no one to answer to. But the downward spiral was just starting and as time went by, I went down faster. The faster I went down, the more I drank. I absolutely would not, could not, admit I had a problem. I had fun. I didn't drive drunk, I didn't go home with strangers. I simply liked to drink.

I had a breakdown in August of 1997. I thought it was stress. In part, it was but the problem went much, much deeper. I finally admitted my alcoholism while there. With their help and guidance, I began to see a pattern. One that had been there since the age of 13. It terrified me: how long had I gotten away with lying to myself?

I remained in treatment for 2 months. It was incredible. It really was. I don't recommend treatment for everyone, of couse, but in my case, it was exactly what I needed. I learned about myself. I cried, I laughed, I loved and I found out WHO I was, WHAT I really wanted and WHY I had never been able to achieve those goals. But what amazed me the most was seeing people with needle track scars on their arms almost as thick as a pencil. I met people who had sold their body, sold their food: even killed to get the next drink or fix. What did I learn? That could be me.

I have been sober for several months. I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. Has it been easy? No!! There is a funny little acronym I learned in AA. It's kinda rude, but it's completely true:

Son Ofa Bitch, Everything's Real.

And I guarantee you, life is real without a crutch.

I feel a bit uncomfortable talking about myself like this, but I truly want to help those who might be having problems. So if you feel the need to talk, e-mail me below.